Wow! Today is actually the first day that I’ve felt, what’s the phrase? Sort of normal? Not so much like a piece of shit? I don’t know. However you phrase it, it’s the first time I’ve been out of the house in well over a week. But, here’s the thing – I’m still kind of depressed. Down in the dumps. Just, not overly.
For much of this past week, I haven’t been out of the house much. That includes going outside for a coffee and to vape. I don’t know what it is about this past week, but, my agoraphobia has come crawling out of the woodwork, and has attacked me big time. It’s pretty bad when you can’t sit on the steps outside, or, on the ledge – without feeling anxious. Wanting to come in. Tapping your bloody feet, feeling your heart race while you’re out there. That’s one side of me that went away for a while, and then, recently, came crawling back.
Living with this shit is not fun. I wouldn’t even wish it upon my worst enemy. Not just the agoraphobia – but, the anxiety, the depression, the schizophrenia. Then, just to top that cake off, mix in some bi-polar crap as well.
I seriously have no clue why it’s got to this point, let alone what the hell caused it. I was fine, and then, last week as i said, it just came out of nowhere. All i wanted to do yesterday was lay in bed with the cats, and watch my shows in Kodi/XBMC. That’s what i ended up doing. I spent the day in the fucking dark – and, laid in bed watching House. Didn’t want to go anywhere. Didn’t want to answer the phone. Didn’t even want to step foot outside. I did none of those things, and “wasted” the day away.
Today was the first time I felt motivated to get out of the house. So, I did just that, and went to Cloud Chemist to pick up some E-Juice, because I’m almost out of shit. (Thank god for the pay it forward bin!) I spent a little over 2 hours up there, and coming back was a fucking train wreck. I can’t explain why, or how, but, it was just anxious coming back. Oh, and i forgot almost having a damn aneurysm going there. What set that off? Oh, how about some damn kid just yelling at the top of her fucking lungs. It was almost like she couldn’t talk about Pokemon Go without yelling. Yep, the chest pain started there as well.
Always Fun!
Nevertheless, it felt good to get out of this hell-hole. And, until tomorrow, it literally is. I’m aiming for tomorrow, anyway. When dad will be over to clean – and, i have my hands full tomorrow, too. Like, fuck me sideways. I’ve gotta clean the fans, clean out my closet, put shit into the closet. Move a new dresser in, and the old one out. Go through box after fucking box, and de-clutter. Since I’ve moved in here, the pack rat side of me has come out – and, I have shit that now needs to go. I was aiming for yesterday, but thankfully, it didn’t pan out. Here’s hoping tomorrow is as good as today was, and my dad and I can knock this shit out.
As for feeling depressed? That comes in part from the agoraphobia. The other chunk is knowing what i have in store for tomorrow. The other portion is the money situation this month. I seriously need a damn side job at a vape shop or something. Something I’m happy doing, and can do – just to pull in an extra $200 a month, which i don’t have to report. That can be spent right where i make it!
Maybe – just maybe – in the coming months, i can somehow monetize this blog, and be in a better situation. I got a bit of overhauling to do since the FDA made their damn regulations, but, I’m here to promise you that not much of anything will change. Some links will change – but, that’s probably about it.
Anyway – I’m off to wallow in my crapulence for now. So, until next time!
Twizted Vapes: Reviews and More 