Thanks

It’s official. I’m in my “Does it look like i give a fuck?” mood. The place where I’ve been “stuck” for the past 2 days now. With me being bi-polar, i can normally dig myself out of this hole. Or, it’ll be intermittent. There will be a happy mood, followed by the shitty mood. However, the past 2 days have proved to me that…I’m stuck between what seems to be 2 different sized rocks, and, i keep hitting each one of them. That there’s a hole, but, it looks to be 100 feet up.

Since yesterday, I’ve officially shut the world out. Kind of hard, especially when you need to do things for people. Most of yesterday, i spent sleeping. 3 separate occasions, in total, more than 8 hours of just…sleeping. With my cat, Nemo. Woke up the last time, was on the computer for maybe 10-15 minutes watching YouTube as i normally do to “catch up” on some stuff – and, someone just flat out walked in my door. Remember to always lock your door, especially when ya don’t wanna be bothered. That just put me in an even shittier mood – i dunno if it was the person that did that, or, just the frame of mind i was in. Maybe both? Regardless, after they left, i tried to go back to sleep again, to no avail.

I was up for about 2 or 3 more hours before i decided to take my pills for the night. Thankfully, this time, they didn’t take long to cut in. I put on another George Carlin album, and, i was out like a light about the 2nd or 3rd track in. Never waking up once, I was actually kind of shocked at that one. I meant to eat something before bed too, but, after i took my pills, my mood was still in “meh” mode, and, i passed out with Nemo curled up by my legs.

Woke up this afternoon, looked at the time, saw it was after 2pm. The first thought was “Wow, 12 hours sleep, that’s been awhile.” And, to no surprise, me feeling like shit, was still there. I tried to work my way through it – music, tagging more music, playing games on here – nothing worked.

I probably have people wanting to ask me, “Why are you in a shitty mood, Chris? Especially lasting 2 days?” The reason for that is simple. My “failure” is still playing in my head. That, and some people don’t even have to try and push my buttons anymore, they just automatically get under my skin if i see them. (That’s related to last night.) Thankfully, those people are few and far between. But, for me, how i seen last night, was “Oh, i see, i’m only good if ya need something. Other than that, i can just fuck off, right?”

Makes me wanna fucking move. Yea, i try my best to avoid these people, but, these people know where the fuck i live. I either have to get out of this place, or, just move to another city. And, yea, i know – because, i say it all the time, too. That you’re gonna get the same shit in another city, it’s all dependent on who you know or hang around with. Not if you close the entire fucking world off. My dream would be to just….move somewhere my last name isn’t known, where i’m not attached to anyone, or anything because of who they know because of my fucking name – and, just become “invisible”. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, i like people. But, some of the other people i know – that i consider “Acquaintance’s” now, can just leave me the fuck alone. You know those people – only good when you have something they need, or want – but, if you have nothing, they just can’t be bothered. I’ve had many of these fuckers since i’ve been trying to quit smoking. That’s all they fucking hung around for – the smokes. Now, i have nothing they need, or want – so, it’s like “Fuck you then!”

That’s perfectly fine with me. I’m agoraphobic anyway, and, if you’re just gonna add to my stress, i don’t need you people around anymore.

That leads me to my other topic of why, for the past 2 days, I’ve felt like shit – the whole quitting smoking, and trying to switch to vaping full time.

I’m at this point in time where….i don’t give a flying fuck anymore. I’ve tried – and failed – since July of last year. That’s almost a fucking year! I seriously think in the past year, I’ve spent more on vaping than i ever have for smoking. I’ve gone through 5 or 6 devices, each with varying degree of success. Direct lung, mouth to lung, sub-ohm. Starter kits, advanced kits, AIO’s. Tank based systems, and devices that are one unit. I’ve failed each and every fucking time.

I’ve tried quitting smoking using vaping now – more than i have with the patch, the gum, the lozenges. The spray’s, the nicotine free Smoke NV kit. Things borrowed to me, given to me. Things i’ve bought. I have 2 fucking devices to show for it, and a shit ton of juice.

Even though i appreciate all of the friends – and companies – who have got behind me, and tried to help me make the transition. The companies who have got behind me for reviews – mostly Juice companies. Don’t think i don’t appreciate it, because i do. I honestly LOVE you all! I don’t say that nearly enough.

Suicide Bunny, Pip, CF, SS, JS, Kev, – Gas city Vapes, Vapsense. Moshi, TheraVape, Smoke NV. All the way to the reviewers on YouTube, especially Nick “Grimm” Green, Phil Pbusardo (I probably spelled that wrong!), Vapor Trails, IndoorSmokers, TiaVapes, and Mike Vapes. YOU have all helped me in some way to TRY and quit smoking.

As it stands now though….I’m done trying. I’ve been contemplating this for a few days now, and it’s just….maybe it’s not logic – but, i can’t justify buying my last 2 setup’s i was gonna by at the end of this month – only to have them not work, and be put up for good.

Just like i can’t, nor will i, justify spending money on tobacco. I’m done with that too. I’m not done with smoking, but, it’s gonna be how i’ve been doing it lately – butt hunting.

I’m not in the frame of mind to quit yet. And, i’m not gonna “glorify” smoking on here, either. I will still advocate for vaping, and vaping rights – but, right now, i just can’t….quit.